‘‘ Every cloud has a silver lining’’
if you go, if you go away from me,
Saturday, March 23, 2013 11:34 PM

it is scary to figure out how to let you go.

Weeks have passed... Got what I wanted through 'means' but that doesn't mean I'm happy. Do you ever wanted something, got that something but after going through so much solely for that thing, you actually don't feel as happy as you thought you would be? So after, I knew I couldn't avoid all those questions and those judgemental stares I got from people who were silently judging me, wondering how and why. I could do nothing, but I just went with the flow.

Someone: why did you...?
Me: because of my personal reasons
Someone: sorry to ask
Me: what do you think is my reason then?
That someone said the right reason.
Me: do you even think that it's possible?
Someone: maybe...

I should stop assuming that I can fool everyone but still...I don't quite care about what people think about me anymore. It'll never end and I'm never going to hope anymore. Life is just so suck-ish nowadays without those faces I would love to see everyday. Met with Eunice and Kaixin 2 weeks ago for our study date and I reallyreallyreally miss them oh gosh... Hope we can meet up often for study dates because I have to admit, it was quite productive?

And then all of a sudden, you are actually suddenly talking to me and inviting me? I can't believe this as much as I miss you, but it always seems as though I'm no longer important to you and I try to hide it but I'm such an open book, surely you can see that? But then again, you once told me you can never predict what I'm thinking and that I'm so impenetrable... Honestly, how I wish you can read my mind. And I'm afraid I don't quite know you anymore because I have, not once but twice, tried to push you out of my life. I can't expect anything from you and at the same time, I don't want to be disappointed too. Can you tell me if this is all going to work out? Because right now I'm wary and weary all at the same time.

Never going to wish again... Because wishes don't come true. Lies ㅡㅡ ...

Should I sleep and forget about the world, not even all the things that are wearing me out, not even my hatred and resentment towards the world, not even about how I wish I am still myself?? :( so long x

this is the beginning
Sunday, March 3, 2013 10:07 AM

Had a long good chat with Eunice over the phone again, but this time it lasted incredibly long for about 1h 25 min. I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I was talking to her, that simple ease and comfortable feeling just through words. The longest phone call I've ever had seems like ages ago and it lasted for a good 1h 30 min. I'm happy that this phone call with her is my second highest record for now. (because she's worth it (: ) We chatted about everything under the sun, from how we are these days to school stuff, classes, and even about the future. HAHAHA and I even asked her, "Why didn't we discuss about this before?" Then she answered, "I actually thought about this as a potential topic for us to talk about last time." I was like, "WHAT? Why do you have to brainstorm for topics just for us to talk?" I guess Eunice is just simply Eunice after all. Omg I miss this girl so much that I constantly find myself trying to search for a trace of her in others. And I'm happy that we are probably going to meet up next week yay our study date! I hope everyone can make it. ^^ I really love Whatsapp lol, it gives us room to talk together. In the past, it used to be MSN. Speaking of MSN, it's closing down... ahhh all those good times. I think my noob computer from last time even crashed once from all those 'nudge' spams HAHAHA.

I feel so lost now because you've always been the pillar of support through these days; the constant I can count on when I'm all depressed and exhausted... but what do I do now when you're breaking down and all I can do is to helplessly watch you fall? It's shattering to see you cry so hard and long because I've always thought that you were strong, but perhaps it's because you always tend to put on a strong front that I failed to see the long deep crack between your wall. Please be okay soon.