‘‘ Every cloud has a silver lining’’
But this is only the beginning
Tuesday, February 19, 2013 6:37 PM

So I know my new class since yesterday. Had this class orientation from 2-6pm, including playing of games such as the mrt (don't ask me what's this, I can't explain this because it's lame lol), H2O (we call this clinkclink in guides :D ), and some other station games. My class seems okay... Quite friendly people. Tried talking to some people and I kinda like them :) hope we can be closer in the future. I'm lucky I have 2 of my OG friends who are taking the same subject combi as me in my class so I don't feel as uneasy and awkward as the first day. Jiayu doesn't have anyone in her class that she knows... Sigh I really wished we could be in the same class but this sucks. Then yesterday, she told me she suddenly felt uncomfortable in her class and she was starting to regret coming to this school and she was thinking if she should have gone to the school I wanted instead. It shocked me because she was always the one who told me to accept and embrace the school when I had felt so depressed then. What startled me most was that she cried yesterday too... Sigh I asked if she would feel better if I were in her class and she immediately said, "yes!". I want to be in the same class in her too luh... But I think my class is seriously okay... I just need some more time and I truly hope I can come to love my class.

Omg I don't know why but I feel a great urge to cry now because I feel so tired and exhausted that I just wish I could sleep and never wake up again. Eunice kinda promised that she's gonna call us every week or so just to catch up with us because she misses hearing the sounds of our voices. I miss everyone so much too to the extent that I wish they are here by my side whenever I feel sad or even happy. Now when I think of something funny to share or when I have something sad that I need to get it off my chest, I want to tell someone but then when I remember that they won't be here with me anymore, I feel a wave of emotions rushing over me. I want to scream and shout, and let it all out. I've never known how much I love someone till that someone is gone from my life, only then will I truly understand the depth of my pain. It was the same for you too for me... But it was because of this period that we started talking to each other again but have I ever mentioned how much I miss your voice, your laughter, your encouragement, your huge smiles, your concern, and most importantly, your love? I would love to deny it but it was honestly my own fault for pushing you away. Now I wish you were here with me because only then will I be convinced that things are really going to be okay.

gone not around any longer
Friday, February 8, 2013 7:09 PM

Okay... I should probably talk about orientation. But before that, I should confess something first. I know and I've always known that it is impossible. I know I shouldn't even bother trying because the chances of me succeeding are drastically low. But I just couldn't give up, because I've let that happen once already and I wasn't ready to allow it to happen again. But god, I'm tired of you not listening to my wishes even though I've fervently prayed to you every moment everyday. I had wished before, and I didn't get what I wanted. And now I wished again, but again you didn't grant me my request. Even when my tears are falling and my heart hopes for you to hear me, for just once, still, you don't answer. Do I really not deserve anything at all? Because I feel like all of these that are happening or have happened to me is because I've done something terribly wrong in the past and now I have to repay all my debts. It's just simply too painful to bear... God, if you want to do this to me, then why do I exist? Why do I have to feel so small, insignificant and miserable all at the same time? Oh god, I wish you would feel ashamed in the heaven that you're in now, looking at me with tears flowing from my cheeks because right now I'm crying from all that you've not given me and you offer no solace to me at all. But I keep telling myself that day after day, I will slowly begin to feel less pain each time a tear trickle down my cheek, and gradually, I may even forget the reason why I'm crying in the first place.

Orientation... right. I probably didn't have as much fun as others in my school did because I couldn't quite yet commit myself to this new school that I'm in now, because I'm still trying to accept it and to embrace it. But I appreciate my OGLs' hard work and effort, ensuring that we really enjoy ourselves. Took a lot of photos over the orientation period of 5 days because there was this instagram challenge thing everyday. Amazingly enough, I found a new fondness for my OG, Chanan 1. And I really enjoy all the cheers we have, even though one of them is extremely embarrassing to perform. There was a cheer competition yesterday, on our last day of orientation, and we did a non-stop cheering of like about 10 minutes. Each family had many cheers and we all know one another's cheers. Also learnt the mass dance (Taio Cruz's Higher) but I think it was difficult so most of the time, I just anyhow danced. And on day 3, we actually went to Gardens by the Bay and MBS for our out-of-college activity. It was quite fun, I have to admit. I think I'll probably miss my OG because... after all, we did spend quite some time together as an OG.

And I haven't said anything about this yet... but i'm truly grateful for my two GG girls, Jiayu and Sylvia, here with me too in NY. Because when I'm with them, I feel totally at ease and comfortable. I feel like I can be myself all over again. At least god hasn't completely forgotten about me, after all.

CNY celebration today... but I really miss NH's CNY celebration. It was super boring today and to put it harshly, it was a complete waste of my precious time. The Lo Hei part though, with my OG, was the best part (I think). Then after which, I went to Buona Vista with Jiayu. We bought Koi while waiting for her friend. Then I went to Clementi to meet Kaixin. Gosh I really miss my loves, although I think the last time I saw them wasn't too long ago. Eunice took forever to come so I just chatted with KX as the rain continued to pour and pour. We finally decided to go to Clementi mall because she was hungry, and Eunice still wasn't there yet. Went to the food court because we didn't want to eat fast food nor expensive food. I waited for E to come before we bought some oyster omelette dish for $6.50 and we shared. Remind me to never eat that again because it just wasn't worth the money. Had a good late lunch together as we chatted, catching up with one another. Again, i'm genuinely thankful for having met them because I can't imagine a life without having known them. It just won't be as wonderful, I guess. Saw many NHrians today around the region... It really makes me feel nostalgic about all that we have shared together, when we were still in the same school as one. Now... it just isn't the same anymore and everybody has settled down into their new environments, or perhaps, trying to, like me for instance. So... I guess we'll all be walking on our own separate paths from now on.

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