Set fire to the rain.Thursday, September 29, 2011 10:14 PM
I've been awfully tired every single day. I cry so easily these days that it's scaring me. Someone ask me, "Why do you look so sad?" As expected of me, I faked a smile. I didn't want to admit anything. I just didn't.
Suddenly, I've lost all my smiles in me. Even when I laugh, I listen to the sound of my laughter, and sadly to say, it seems weak to me. I heard things that I didn't exactly want to hear today. I didn't want to know anything between people. Those stories which she related to me make my head spin. I just didnt know what to say. I'm no good with comforting words, and I honestly don't know who need them more. Me? Or her? When I returned back home, my mind was still so burdened with the previous conversation I had with her. I developed a slight headache and up till now, it's still hurting. So I just had to find somewhere to vent my frustrations because it's, practically killing me inside.
People are all so complicated. That is all I can say. I miss the times when we were still young, naive and so innocent then, we didn't have to think so much about anything in particular at all other than just fun. I really do.
And I'm definitely not lying about the fact that I'm tired and such, because I really am.
'Sometimes being just you makes you wanna die.' So true.
Whimsical thoughts.Saturday, September 24, 2011 11:21 PM
I did not forsee myself typing out this today. Things just turned out this way. It seems as though there's an invisible force driving me, and words instantly formed in my mind, etched deeply like a scene engraved on a piece of crystal-clear glass. There won't be a clean-cut topic discussed today. Instead, I'll just be sharing some of my thoughts.
You are a failure in life. Funny how this sentence rings a bell within me. I definitely won't forget. Someone explicitly singled me out and said this to me, just not face-to-face. Sadly, it holds some sense in me. I reckon it's true, isn't it? Life isn't all perfect and wonderful. You're bound to face flaws and obstacles as you wander around, struggling to find the right direction in your life. Even so, is there such a thing called 'destiny'? And if there is, who is going to be the one to decide that for you? Heaven? This will forever remain as an ambiguous question, wouldn't it? What's a failure then? Someone who fails to live up to expectations? Or simply just someone who can never ever make it right in life? If what I mentioned is true, then perhaps I am the latter.
I shall not deny it. The fact that I've actually learnt piano for a while and quitted it even before I make it to grade X, but only then I realised how much I'm missing out. I let my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip away like an eel. The reason why I said it's a rare chance because even if you can always learn the skills as you like it, it takes a prodigy to master everything. The crucial stage when you are still a kid really plays an important role if you're dying to become a musician. Of course, I'm not that ambitious to be aiming to be a top-notch pianist. After all, I'm a nobody, right? I know my place well enough, even if it stings to even admit it.
There's also another thing which has been troubling me. The fact that I've always been fond of art, and how I used to be so passionate about seeing the characters which I drew come to life has always haunted me. It's an indescribable feeling. My eyes glittering with triump; the satisfaction you get after every 'successful' artpiece, which you label them as 'masterpieces'. Perhaps you'll start by saying how silly I am, and maybe a handful of you might even suggest that 'an artist can only earn a few pennies, at the most'. I mean, look at Van Gorgh, and Piccasio, their artworks only became priceless when they left the world. I can never be like them. Call me a coward but I think I can never be able to sacrifice myself just for the love of art. Then again, maybe that's what makes me. That is probably why I am myself and not either of them, only because I'm ME.
Perhaps I don't make sense at all, but then again, what does?
I'm getting a wee bit of that especially queer, peculiar feeling now. It totally makes me want to do something eccentric. Obviously I won't but seriously, I feel like laying on a vast open patch of grass with a nice little hill to top it off, and lay on it all night, just gazing at the stars. I wouldn't mind if I'm alone, because I might actually be rather thankful for the tranquility of the night.
I wanna leave this place so badly it makes me wanna die...
electricityFriday, September 23, 2011 3:22 PM
Before I forget...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 키! Hehehe forever a gorgeous boy. You're truly one of the cutest guys on earth if 이태민 doesn't exist. Just kidding, SHINee should stay forever like this, 5 shining guys always together. Really love it when you dance the various girl groups' dance with such dexterity and agility. You never fail to get me impressed. AMAZING BOY, ALWAYS. WHEE 사랑해요 ~ ♥
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY LOVELY DANCING QUEEN! (even though it's one day late) You're always so amazing. Soshi is nothing without you. You make up an important part in 소녀시대, and you're really awesome. Even though you may not be among my biases, but still, YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME AND TO SONES. Can't wait for 4th October hehe. That's when all the queens will dominate the stage. Waiting for your comeback soon! 사랑해요 ~ ♥
Today has been quite a pleasant day. The battle has finally started yeah! We had English & Chinese Paper 1 today. Surprisingly, my hands didn't ache after writing so much, which is obviously a blissful thing since it hurt like hell the previous time. During our break, Eunice and I went to the Sky Garden and studied there. I love the place a lot. It's really quiet and peaceful. However though, Zihui and Yeewai came to disturb our peace. :( I'm actually just being mean hahah. So we chatted and went through over with our notes. Then Yeewai asked me to tie her hair into 2 ponytails, so I agreed. Later, she asked, "Can I trust you?", to which I answered, "Of course you can." The truth was, though, I had actually helped her the other time and tied scorpion plaits for her, but it turned out screwed. In fact, it resembled more like a "tumour" and I'm not kidding. I guess everyone knows that I'm actually a BIG FAIL in tying hair, but I really think all I need is practice. After all, they always say, "practice makes perfect", right?
After school, I went home with Kaixin, Sophia and Jolene. I bought waffles because I was kind of hungry. We boarded the bus, which was pretty crowded, and later, the train, which was pretty empty. I love empty trains because I'm so tired of squeezing with other people. The fact that today actually seemed quite peaceful pleased me.
Labels: happy birthday
The past is the past is the past.Tuesday, September 20, 2011 8:27 PM
안녕하세요~ ㅋㅋㅋ 나 는 정말 미안합니다! ㅠㅠ
Quite a while since I've posted. Pardon me for my infrequent blog posts, dear readers. Actually, I've always wondered who will read my blog and who has been reading it... It's an intriguing question which has always been lingering in my mind since, (maybe) forever? My life now revolves around the same routine and forgive me, but I'm going to bore you into telling you what this particular 'cycle' (if I may call it) consists of:
1. Wake up at 5.45am
2. Prepare myself & leave house at 6.25am
3. Reach school at around 7am
4. School school school till afternoon
5. Reach home at around 4pm
6. Homework, pack bag
7. Start studying by 4.30pm
8. 7pm- SHINING INHERITANCE (omo seunggi! ~)
9. 8pm- continue studying or... Maybe continue watching TV
10. Sleep at 10pm /plus
Doesn't my schedule look awfully boring and tedious and totally absurd to you??? But then again, this is how I'm living my life now... *bang wall* I can't believe that I'm turning into, let's just put it simply, A ZOMBIE. GOSH NO FUCKING WAY. The problem here is, I'm not even hating it. In fact, I'm actually starting to believe that by doing this, I'll get wiser day by day and I'll have no regrets. Oh dear me... Look what I've done. Look how I'm changing. Look who I am now.
Wait, no. I don't even know who, or what I am exactly. It's killing me, well, literally. My soul is deprived. Lack of fun & mostly life. I swear, after EOYs, I'm gonna have a whale of time. I'm gonna have so much fun that it sure is gonna hurt.
On a side note, my UKISS boys are making me feel miserable inside out. Everytime Kevin/Soohyun/Kisseop/Dongho/Eli tweets about asking 키스미 to get a no.1 position in the charts/shows, I feel utterly guilty because I can't do anything to help them and it's so freaking unfair. THEY WORKED SO HARD. I can't even imagine how much pressure they're facing now. I can't even. Sigh I really wish the best for them, because they are really awesome boys. I'm so sorry, boys, but I hope you'll continue working hard. 화이팅~!
à la folieSunday, September 11, 2011 9:03 AM
“Gone. The saddest word in the language. In any language.”
— Mark Slouka
With barely less than 24 hours away to mark the start of a new school term, I'm experiencing the familiar feeling of remorse, which usually fills me at the end of every holidays. To be honest, before the holidays started, I made a lot of promises to myself, most of which I'd never fulfilled. Sounds pathetic, isn't it? 'Don't make promises when you know you can't do it.' I believed myself though. I thought, I could. I guess circumstances turned out this way and I know, in my own sub-conscious mind, I know myself enough to know that I can never do it. Sadly enough, I proved myself right again.
(Mixed feelings...) How I wish I'd done much more this holidays. How I wish holidays can be longer. One week sounds stingy to me. Even a month doesn't satisfy me.
For this new term, I reckon it will be taxing since we're having our End-of-Year examinations several weeks later. I'll have to work harder, study smarter and not disappoint again. I'm so sick of letting my parents down and not living up to expectations. Worst of all, I'm tired of disappointing myself.
Even so, after my EOYS, it'll mean that 2011 is coming to a close. This also implies that 2012 is arriving, which also means 'dooms day' is looming! Honestly, I've never believed much of the 2012 phenomenon which others are continually harping about. I've always referred it to lies which are conjured up by a few pessimists who have never believed much in life. This is one of my own most ingenuous confessions, so don't go around hating just for the statement which I've made. If you are still hating, you gravely need to grow up and start maturing.
Shall end it here with 'If you ever come back' by The Script for now! xx
step it upWednesday, September 7, 2011 3:03 PM
Green Tea/Original Cheesecake bars from The Icing Room! Just ate lunch at BK and feeling freaking full now. Oops I'm digressing.
khuntoria fans →
I bet you guys are feeling horrible like me now. Yes, I expected them to end soon. It is inevitable. But still, seeing Khun's tweets yesterday on twitter almost jerk up my tears. Here's what he wrote:
Some are relieved, some are sad, some are furious, and some are just thankful for the good laughters and smiles every saturday evening. We all knew all along that at some point this was going to end, but the good memories and friendship will never die. I am but thankful for all the support we've received for over a year and 3 months. We only hope that what will last are all the good memories. Thank you for all your love and support.
Yes Khun. Khuntoria will live forever in our hearts and we'll continue to support the both of you in your individual groups, 2PM and f(x) forever. Thank you for working together so compatibly and giving the audience such a good show. WGM will be so empty without you two now... Continue fighting!~
The happy thing for now, though, is that Sooyoung was released from the hospital yesterday! I hope she's recovering well now. I really need her to be fine because SNSD without her is just not the POWER OF NINE. I need her to be back with the rest of Soshi so that their comeback will go smoothly. 화이팅 언니! ㅋㅋㅋ
Chinese remedial was yesterday and it was a total waste of time. However, my mood was instantly lightened because I went with YY to Koi to buy Green Tea Macchiato! Heh I think I first liked the taste when Clarice and Jasmine introduced to me the previous time.
Pretty good books which I've read over the past few days! (:
look what you've doneFriday, September 2, 2011 7:21 AM
Mid-Autumn Festival! →
Stayed back till late at night at around 9pm +. We were dismissed early for the day to prepare our booth. THANK YOU SO MUCH to those who've supported NHGG sales! After my duty shift, Zihui and I met up with 202 people to visit the haunted house! Initially, we didn't know which one to go since there were 3(?) But we decided on 202's haunted house because it brought back memories. HELL, it wasn't scary at all. The horror movies we watched while waiting for our turns were more scary than the haunted house. Still, the happiest moments were shared with this gang of people. I MISS THEM SO MUCH. Miss laughing with them and reviving past memories. Home-ed with 202 peeps too. ^^
Teachers' Day Celebration 2011 →
Charmaine and me! ♥
Went back to RPS with Jialin! Many people also went back hahaha. A lot of them commented on how different I look now. Honestly? I didn't realise how I've changed at all. I've always thought that I'm more or less the same. Perhaps I'm too used to seeing my present self now that I've lost sight of my old self... Met up with Charmaine! Chatted with Mr Loo for a while. (I MISS MR LOO HE'S THE BEST TEACHER I'VE EVER HAD) Then we didn't want to go home straight after that so Charmaine went to JP with me. We ate at MOS + took lots of pictures + walked around and most importantly, we talked a lot. I really miss her. :(
SCRUMP on Tuesday, 30 August'11 →
Late birthday gift from bro! THANKS SO MUCH I TOTALLY LOVE IT (it's so huge and fluffy that I can die!)